The
Past
I enjoyed the desolate atmosphere of seaside towns
in winter
and I was delighted with the sea. I walked along the beach for the
first time with
my grandfather, When we came to L.. I enjoyed the deserted streets, but
I said
very little and was repelled by the pop
music and symbols of active commercialism - a kind of desolation
image.
We went in a pub and I had one pint and one cigarette. It was coming
back along
the beach that I had my ecstasy. I was, just for now, more or less
indifferent
to sex. I had a sore throat and my stomach was unpleasant, I wanted to
shit, but
none of that mattered. I walked along the beach staring at the shells
and
pebbles not saying a word to my grandfather, I wondered whether I was
in ecstasy
or not. I was acutely conscious. The wind was blowing the rain against
me. I
felt no cold, only the wind, which seemed warm. I felt the same
indifference to
age, if anything I would have preferred to be old, and I felt maybe I
would fail
all my exams. All was meaningless but I was one with the stones and the shells and when we got off the beach with
the
grass and the mud. It lasted till I got indoors then it passed and
turned into irritation.
There was a clap of thunder. Often feelings of elevation precede
thunderstorms.
I felt I was both small and great, small as an element of nature, great
because
all alone and paradoxically certain of my destiny. Often with such
ecstasies we
have something ahead which we fear, and yet forget, it could be death.
It is a
sensation something of hopelessness, Therefore autumn is the best
season. It is
important to attain a state of desirelessness and to cut yourself off
from
commitments at least mentally, if it can be done. I wanted disorder and
a feeling
of abandonment to nature.